My wife has a knack for being painfully honest.
A few months ago I came home from work and was telling Christi about my day—who I talked to, what I did, and quite a bit about the projects I had cooking. Visibly irritated, and nearly in tears, Christi looked at me and was—well, painfully honest.
“Why don’t you ask about me? I feel like it’s always about you. You never ask about what’s on my heart.”
#self-centered
Fast forward to last week. I had the privilege of attending the Cloud-Townsend Ultimate Leadership Event. In a nutshell, you learn about how your own character issues are helping or hindering you from being a great leader. Or in this case, from being a great spouse.
One of my key takeaways from the event was how the most effective and balanced leaders are able to engage both sides of their brain in conversation. I realized when I process my day with Christi, it is usually content based (i.e. what I did, who I talked to, etc.) rather than process based (i.e. what I felt about what I did or who I talked to).
Translation: I need to be more in touch with my feelings.
I know for guys this may sound mushy, but it’s what separates out great husbands, fathers, and leaders. The more I’m in touch with my own feelings, the more mindful I am to what’s going on in Christi’s heart.
So I came home with a plan, and it’s one I want to challenge each of you to do with me.
We’ve found it’s too easy to go into a mindless zone after the kids are down, either drowning our sorrows in our favorite TV shows, or numbing our brains and feelings on social media. The former we justify by saying we’re spending time together, the latter we justify as “connecting with others.” In reality, we’re slowly disengaging from our spouse.
So beginning today, carve out 15 minutes of your evening with your spouse and do two things:
1. Inquire about your spouse’s heart. Literally ask the questions, “What’s on your heart today? How are you feeling?” But here’s the kicker: Make it a priority to not fix anything! Just sit with your spouse, with no condemnation, and listen to his/ her most prevalent feelings from the day. Don’t fix it; just validate it.
2. Then, share your heart with your spouse. Use feeling words to describe your day. “I felt sad when…” or “I felt angry at…” Simply using feeling words engages both sides of the brain and strengthens our bond with others.
Join with me for 15 minutes each evening. Let’s all see how much better our marriage is (feelings of connectedness, happiness, communication, sexual satisfaction, etc.) four weeks from now.
Please comment with any fun stories or breakthroughs along your journey.
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#25: The Power of Guarding Your Time–and the Hearts of Those You Love with Rodney + Selma Wilson
#9: How 15 Minutes Can Change Your Marriage
Josh – looove this – thank you for your vulnerability – so refreshing. I will talk to Scott about this – love how you broke it down. Thanks!!
Thanks, Bethany! I appreciate your encouragement. Hope you guys are doing well!
I have a spouse whom I love dearly that is on meth. He chases dope and whores. Do I give up.
his wife of 25 years: First, I’m very sorry to hear the pain you’re experiencing right now. It is hard to answer your specific question knowing just these details, but I will say this: 1. You need to personally seek help in your circumstance. I would highly recommend for you to see a therapist who can support and guide you through your pain and situation. 2. If it is as you say, and he is indeed engaged in extramarital affairs or abusive toward you, you have a biblical ground to leave. 3. Until he is remorseful and repentant and taking active steps to change, your marriage will not change, and only get worse. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Again, I don’t know the severity of the situation, but if it is as bad as you say, you definitely need to seek the help of a local professional. I hope this is helpful.
Thanks for the interesting notes. I tried it the other day and it backfired on me and I couldn’t stop laughing. My wife was wondering why I was asking these “weird” or “out of the ordinary” questions. Later, after explaining the background, my wife mentioned that I should simplify and ask “how was your day” or “tell me about _, how did it go?”. So I guess the idea is good but there are different styles and cultures. I’m a literal guy so I just needed to adapt and use different words. 🙂
Sam, thanks for your comment! I love that you tried it and got that response. When I use those exact words, my wife assumes I’m making small talk. She literally told me she wants me to ask how her heart is doing. That is what prompted this approach. I guess you’re right, different styles and cultures and even languages depending on the person. Thanks for your comment!
I’d love to do this but he has become so closed off. He filed for divorce and I have to vacate the house by the end of the month.
This is great, thank you so much. I really like how you explained the content versus process based conversations. I have never looked at it this way. Thank you Joshua.
Every time I watched you on Facebook, I enjoyed your video. I’ve been divorced for four years. It is painful and still is. I wish I knew about family priority and parenting at the time. Keep up the good work, you are blessings so many families and to me as well. keep encouraging marriages for the glory of God.
Jorge, I’m sorry for the pain you have been going through and are still experiencing. I appreciate your kind words.
I believe the two of you have been called “for such a time like this” . I will continue to share all of this on Facebook and to read all of this. Please pray for my family and my marriage . God bless you and your family.
Thank you for your kind words and thanks for sharing. I am praying for you and your family right this moment.
My husband and I have been married 28 years. I can’t believe how fast the years have gone by. He’s a workoholic even when retired he works from 9-6 or so. We have a 25 year old daughter who got pregnant 3.5 years ago. We have a handsome grandson and the three of them live together. They live an hour away from us. I raised our daughter in the Lord. Sadly she got together with the wrong people and now she hates when I talk about God and asked me not to do it. “Mom, when I find God again you’ll be the first one to know”. So I just pray for them and ask God for guidance in my marriage and being the mom God wants me to be. She is pregnant again… please help me to pray for her (Cassandra). I fast half a day once a week and pray for them and our 3 kids and 5 grandchildren from my husband’s first marriage (they live in the States, we and our daughter live in the outskirts of Mexico City). Im always talking and praying to God I know he always listens and loves me no matter what. I heard your interview with Dr. Dobson who just like other ladies has been my father and guidance through all this years. I wish I had the relationship you had with your Dad.. you brought tears to my eyes talking about him. You were blessed. There are days when I feel so out of touch, but Dr. Dobson helps me to feel that I matter. Thank you for your wonderful work and love for all. May God keep blessing you and your family.